Build your nest near My altar, and I will be your children's source of security, protection, provision and blessing. Psalm 84

Thursday, July 27, 2017

My compass

These past few days, I've been sitting near my father watching him actively die.  The heaviness is indescribable.  All of the months of not being able to get him comfortable for more than 15 minute intervals has somehow eased into a calm, quiet rhythm that keeps me even more alert.  I walk into the room and anticipate his eyes searching for me.  I leave the room knowing I can only be gone a second or two before he is looking for me.  Only now, he isn't.  The strangeness of this new calm is both comforting and terrifying. I am grateful my dad is finally comfortable enough to rest.  And yet, I know that the dad who has stood by me through every major life decision is slowly leaving me.  The other day I was so overwhelmed and stressed, I called my mom and sought out her comfort.  I could hear my dad in the back ground asking who was on the phone.  I asked her to let me speak with my dad.  When I heard his voice I started to cry.  He immediately snapped into dad mode asking what was wrong.  I told him I was sad and worried about him.  And as he always, always does he told me not to worry and went on to comfort me.  And I think, how will I ever go on without him imparting his wisdom? How do we move forward when his physical presence is no longer sitting in the recliner holding court with one of his many stories of his childhood or days that he spent in the service?  When I'm lost and looking, my dad is my moral compass, my safe place, the one who always makes sure the doors are locked at night.  He has been a good provider, but he has been the best dad and grandpa.  He is truly the smartest person I've ever met.  And by far the best story teller and songsmith you would ever come across.  Even in his sleep yesterday I heard him hum a few lines of a song. I couldn't recognize the lyrics, but it made me feel better knowing even in this dream like state, he is still able to remember the tune.  Keep singing, Daddy. Because I'm still listening and learning from you.

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