Today, this week really, has been bittersweet . Although I've been aware of and preparing for it to happen, I was still a little blindsided when Ruby handed me the mail today and in it was my official divorce decree. There are MANY reasons (too many to list or even for some to understand) that I never pursued divorce. But my choices weren't without reason and very heavy consideration.
Suffice it to say, it was never super relevant to me to fight a battle I had no intention of losing before I needed to. And it was never my battle to fight. Today officially marks 19 years and 18 days of being in limbo by choosing not to choose. And it has been a good /hard decision for me. Albeit, odd to most people. I just felt like I should acknowledge that 19 years ago I said 'I do' with every intention of 'til death do us part'. I celebrated with family and friends and a mariachi band. And even though along with those vows have come many days of uncertainty and heartache, I would do it all over again. Because in those moments I spoke my truth. I don't regret the days that followed. They have made me who I always was meant to be. Among the best, Ruby's mom. A fierce mama and a friend to those walking a similar path.
I will always wish things could have been different, that's the way of my heart. I wish better choices could have been made and different paths taken. But if I've learned one thing it is that we have no control over other people's choices and actions. We can cry, get mad, carry heavy resentment but there comes a time when it's just too heavy and you must go your own way and wish them no ill.
I will always grieve the loss of what I hoped it could've been. I will carry a remaining scar of an undeserved hurt for something that I will probably never completely understand. And I will allow myself to honor who I was, who we were in that moment in time. Here's to all of us who hang on in spite of that uncertainty until new winds redirect our course.