I finally realized, or maybe I've known all along, I was born in the wrong generation. I ache to be the stay at home mom. I really do. I would love nothing better than to volunteer every.single.day at my daughter's school. I would cut construction paper circles, laminate hearts, stamp and correct papers. I would pack a creative, fun, noteworthy lunch for her every day. I want to be the parent chaperone on all of the field trips. It would thrill me to no end to read stories in the library to her class. And I want to come home and cook healthy meals and crock pot recipes and have them turn out well. (that may just be wishful thinking).
When I was a kid, the majority of moms that I knew still stayed home. And not only was that the norm, but no one even batted an eye. It's not that I want to step back into a world with inequality. I don't. But I want to have the choice on the other side of that fence too.
Last year was a long, hard school year. I wanted nothing more than to yank my child out and keep her at home with me. I wanted to teach her and be with her and not miss her so terribly. I was so envious of my homeschooling friends. This summer I actually daydreamed about walking her to the nearby school. I could actually picture us walking hand in hand. Smiling and happy. I attended the same grade school and have so many fond memories. Because my job situation recently changed, I was able to move her back to this school. I am so grateful that it will simplify our lives even more. We can walk to work and school everyday!
Today when I went to pick Ruby up from school, I was reminded of her Kindergarten year. Among those waiting for their kids outside the gate, the majority were for the younger set. The parents were all chatting when another mom and I started to talk about our kids, our broken cars, the new school year. It was then I realized this...THIS..is my niche. I love being a parent waiting on their kid to be dismissed. I love discussing trivial things like when the school carnival will be, what songs the kids will sing at the annual Christmas program, what we think of all the new construction. You know when people say to find your passion? This is my passion.
As I stood outside today, talking and socializing, I got that ache. That "I'm only an imposter" feeling. I knew in a few days I would be returning to the work force and our days would get busier. I also realize that most of these parents were in the same predicament as I was. They were picking their kids up before they were dropping them with another relative so they could go work the graveyard shift. Some were grandparents that were raising their grandchildren.
I know there are many moms and dads who probably share my feelings. I also know, the majority of them, like myself, need to work. I know I am lucky to be able to work in close proximity with my daughter. I do feel very blessed. But sometimes, when Ruby asks me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I give her my usual answer of "a mom" she laughs and says "No, mom, WHAT did you want to be?" I realize I could come up with many answers, but my top choice would always remain the same. It is knowing that I can't fulfill the position the way I wanted to that is sometimes disheartening.
This isn't so much about feeling sad about it all, but more the realization that my potential will never be reached. I will ebb and flow and make adjustments along the way. We will share wonderful times and memories, no doubt about it. But, it's about realizing that even if my choices have led me down another path (and not necessarily a bad or wrong path) it was always okay to want a different direction all along. It's about respecting those desires and not being intimidated by the fact that while others may find it mundane, uninspiring, even boring, it is what inspires me. It's knowing that even though my vision for myself isn't exactly what I want, it isn't too far off from the mark.
